Disclaimer: this article contains some genuinely crude language. We’re going to make our best attempt to translate some actual names of places in Finland, which are just plain obscene in any language. You’ve been warned.

The Finnish art of naming a place something rude

Throughout history, we’ve had a knack for slapping cheeky, eyebrow-raising names on our lakes, hills, and bogs. You might find them hilarious, embarrassing, or oddly charming.

Jump to: crude names of places

Why a rude name sticks

A place name can be somewhat personal to people, so it stirs up feelings. Names get handed to places that actually mean something. The name can make a spot easy to picture, easy to remember, and easy to point a friend toward.

The oldest Finnish place names go back roughly 3,000 years, and new ones pop up daily. The cheeky ones grab headlines because they usually carry a legit swear word, and of course, swear words hit harder than ordinary and boring speech. They often lean on taboo topics like religion, sex, and bathroom business, the sort of words you wouldn’t repeat in front of the kids.

Where the names come from and why

These names were rarely invented to shock. Most appeared on their own, in tiny rural communities that needed a quick way to talk about a particular hill or pond. The crude names cluster around nature: slopes, ridges, banks, ponds, and streams.

They don’t really get attached to roads, houses, or other things people built and loved, because nobody wants their cosy home tied to something that describes excrement or sexual organs.

Most of them were practical too, not vulgar just for the sake of it. The shape of the land, its use, or its location usually did the naming. A sledding hill might earn a backside-themed name. A small or shallow pond might get one too, sometimes because the water was muddy or boggy. A long, narrow bump on the landscape could pick up a name that matched its silhouette.

The dirty joke is genuine, but the reasoning underneath was usually somewhat sensible. Nonetheless, this is a lewd lesson in toponomy and cultural history.

The myth of the crude north

The press always loves to pin these names on northern Finland, and rough language has long been tied to the lower social classes, so a tidy little story forms here: rugged northerners were crude woodsfolk, and the south more refined. The numbers do show fewer rude names down south, in the densely populated regions. That gap is about settlement, not manners.

The north is full of natural features and short on people, so it has more hills and ponds just waiting to be named. The south paved over and built on its land, and crude names tend to skip the places people hold dear.

So, without further ado, here’s a very small selection of weird names of places and their literal translations, for you to… enjoy? Not everything translates perfectly and some words have multiple meanings in different contexts, but we did our best to stay truthfully indecent, as they relate to modern language.

Note: we actually left out some truly crude ones, because repeating them would get our website in trouble.

Finland’s obscene names for places

Akka-Helvetti – Old Maid Hell
Alahoro – Lower Whore
Ala-Kiimajärvi – Lower Lake of Horny/Heat
Ala-Mulkku – Lower Dick

Eevanpillunlähde – Fountain/Source of Eva’s Pussy
Ellintissit – Elli’s Titties
Emännänpylly – Landlady’s Butt

Haisvitunkaupunki – Fuck Off Town
Haistavitunmäki – Fuck Off Hill
Helvetti – Hell
Helvetinjärvi – Hell’s Lake
Helvetinkellari – Hell’s Basement
Helvetinperse – Hell’s Ass
Hevonperse – Horse’s Ass
Hevonperseenmäki – Hill of Horse’s Ass
Hevovitunsuo – Swamp of Horse’s Pussy
Hevonpierunsuo – Swamp of Horse’s Fart
Hiekkapieru – Sand Fart
Hiekka-Kiima – Sand Heat/Horny
Hiirenpillu – Mouse’s Pussy
Homeperseensuo – Moldy Ass’s Swamp
Horonkylä – Whore’s Village
Homosaari – Homo Island
Homonlampi – Homo’s Pond
Huorasaari – Whore Island
Huoraveräjä – Whore Gate
Huoratalo – Whore House
Häränpyllynmäki – Bull’s Ass Hill
Hätäpaskanlähde – Emergency Shit Fountain/Source
Häpyluoto – Vulva Islet
Häpykieli – Clitoris

Iisakinpalli – Isaac’s Testicle
Ilopillunmäki – Hill of Joy Pussy
Ilopierukallio – Rock of Joy Fart
Iso-Kiimanen – Big Horny
Iso Kiimasaari – Big Horny Island
Iso Kiimavuori – Big Horny Rock
Iso Kyrpälampi – Big Cock Lake
Iso-Mulkku, Iso-Kyrpä – Big Dick / Big Cock
Iso-Runkku – Big Jerk Off
Iso-Pylly – Big Butt
Isopieru – Big Fart

Junttikylä – Yokel/Hillbilly Village

Kainalopillu – Armpit Pussy
Kananpillu – Chicken’s Pussy
Karhunpillu – Bear’s Pussy
Kiima – Heat (horny)
Kiimakeidas – Heat (horny) Oasis
Kiimavaara – Heat (horny) Danger/Hazard
Kissanpiiskaajankuja – Alley of the Cat Whipper
Kivessilta – Testicle Bridge
Kivesniemi – Testicle Peninsula
Kiveskylä – Testicle Village
Kuolema – Death
Kusipää – Head Full of Piss
Koirankyrpäoja – Ditch of a Dog’s Cock
Kulli – Dick
Kulliluoto – Dick Islet
Kullikallio – Dick Rock
Kusihätä – Need To Pee
Kusijoki – Piss River
Kyrpäkuja – Cock Alley
Kyrpäkoski – Cock Rapids
Kyrpäkallio – Cock Rock
Kyrpäsaari – Cock Island
Kyrvänsyrjäntie – Cock Edge Road

Lampaanpillu – Sheep’s Pussy
Lehmähelvetti – Cow Hell
Lehmänmulkku – Cow’s Dick
Liisanpillu – Liisa’s Pussy

Makkarapieru – Sausage Fart
Mummunpylly – Grandma’s Butt
Munasuo – Dick Swamp
Munakulli – Dick Cock
Muorinperse – Old Woman’s Ass
Mulkkujenväli – Between Dicks
Mulkkujärvi – Dick Lake
Mulkkusaari – Dick Island
Mulkkuvuori – Dick Mountain

Nahkahousut – Leather Pants
Nälkäpieru – Hunger Fart

Ollinmulkku – Olli’s Dick

Pallivaha – Ball Wax
Pallinsaari – Ball Island
Paskalampi – Shit Pond
Paskarasva – Shit Grease
Paskapyykinmäki – Shit Laundry Hill
Paskotin – Shitter
Pasko-oja – Shit Ditch
Paskavaara – Shit Danger/Hazard
Perse – Ass
Persehuokonen – Ass Pore
Persejärvi – Ass Lake
Perseposki – Ass Cheek
Perseenpaistama – Fried by Ass
Persesilmänlampi – Asshole Pond
Pervo – Pervert
Pervonkallio – Pervert’s Rock
Pervonoja – Pervert’s Ditch
Pervontie – Pervert’s Road
Peräpukama – Hemorrhoids
Peräsuolijoki – Rectum River
Pieni-Kyrpä – Small Cock
Pierula – Place of Farts
Pierulampi – Fart Pond
Pierunkirkko – Church of Fart
Pillula – Place of Pussy
Pillulampi – Pussy Pond
Pillupelto – Pussy Field
Pimppiniemi – Pussy Peninsula
Pikku-Runkku – Small Jerk Off
Pikkupöksy – Little Panties
Pikku Pöksynhaara – Little Pant Crotch
Pissisaari – Piss Island

Rovastinnanpillu – Headmistress’s Pussy
Runkausvaara – Jerk Off Danger/Hazard

Saaranpaskantamasaari – Island Shat by Saara
Satiainen – Crabs (pubic louse)
Siitinselkä – Phallus Back
Sudenvitunloukko – Corner of Wolf’s Pussy
Suolikulli – Intestinal Dick
Suonikulli – Vein Dick

Terskanperä – Back of Penis Tip
Terskanlahti – Penis Tip Bay
Tissi – Tit
Tissinpohja – Bottom of Tit
Tissikukkulat – Tit Mounds/Hills
Tissisaari – Tit Island
Tussusaari – Pussy Island
Tämäkohtu – This Uterus

Velhonvittu – Wizard’s Pussy
Vittulampi – Pussy Pond
Vittukivi – Pussy Rock
Viheltävän Vitun Aapa – Swamp of the Whistling Pussy

Ämmänperse – Old Woman’s Ass

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In a truly rare case all that wasn’t enough obscenity for you, feel free to search for more at NameSampo: a linked open data workbench for toponomastic research.